No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Randomize
