I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
