I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
