that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
