Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
