Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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