hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
We need a shit load of segways right now
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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