We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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