Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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