So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
