As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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