No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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