Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
