I feel great
I just peed on a car
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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