Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
ugly people sure do ruin things
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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