New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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