I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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