You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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