We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
