I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
