when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Randomize
