the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
