This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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