The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
