He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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