dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
