Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
