youre lurking in front of me
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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