Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
