I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Randomize
