I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
