don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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