Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He? As in you personified your dick?
Randomize
