maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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