glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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