I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
