Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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