He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
