My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
