Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
