i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
