rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I deserve to be covered in dicks
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
