he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
