Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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