If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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