Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
