Don't you send me to vm
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
