remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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