My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Randomize
