i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
