You're my little dorito
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
tell me about the eggs
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
