Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
