Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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