I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
