I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
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