Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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