Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
